I haven't posted in a while, mostly because it's been hard for me to post brief, anecdotal things while a bunch of other stuff has been going on in my life & brain. I have a hard time just posting brief bloggy things here; probably too much Twitter & Facebook. But I miss blogging, and I miss tracking what's going on with the parental side of things, and I always get annoyed when reading back I realize I missed huge chunks of what was going on. So I'm working on getting back in the habit. And to fill in some of the blanks, here's some of what's been going on in my head and stoppering up the blog posting process.
Every few months or so, I go through the baby-wanting cycle. It was particularly bad this year after Charlotte's third birthday. She's so grown-up now, such a big kid. She's not a toddler anymore, she's definitely (and defiantly, as I accidentally typed it at first) a child, a kid.
Matt and I hashed it out, all the eight million reasons why it doesn't make sense to have another kid right now. And the eight million reasons are really just one, and in my mind the tackiest and worst reason to do/not do anything: money. (Which is a whole other entry in itself, that I do not feel like getting into at the moment - I'm depressed enough as it is.)
And I was accpeting it, moving on, and doing so well, when December came, and former co-workers & high school friends started having babies, and my facebook feed is full of babies. Tiny newborns, haggard moms, first Christmas outfits, the whole nine yards. Big sisters holding onto babies, proud grandmas, bewildered dogs. And I love looking at it, but it makes me so envious & sad. A blogger who I've been following for three years posted that they will be actively trying for a new baby in the next year. Her oldest son is the same age as Charlotte, her second son is my nephew's age. At Christmas I snapped my poor mother's head off as she hinted, yet again, that it would be great if someone else would have another baby. I apologized pretty much instantaneously, but family stressors being what they are (lots of sick family members, uncertain grandparent health) she was slow to get over it. I ended up apologizing again but saying firmly, "You have to let it go, it's a very sensitive subject."
I feel like time is running out. I mean, on paper it looks fine - I am 31 years old, no known fertility problems, but I am overweight (okay, FAT) and I do have elevated blood pressure. Both my doctor and my ob/gyn said to me when Charlotte was born that I was definitely fine to have more kids, but they both said that it would be better to do it sooner rather than later. Charlotte is three - I never wanted my kids to be that far apart in age. Matt & his sister are just about 7 years apart, and while they love each other intensely, it's not quite the same as me & my sister or my sister & my brother or me & my brother. I think the larger age gap can make it harder for siblings to be close, especially when one moves out, and it can cause the parents to lean too hard on the older sibling. Just everything in me is screaming, "If you are going to do it, it needs to be NOW." Everything externally is screaming, "That is not a good plan AT ALL." Hence the tears and agony and fretting and beating on this poor, poor, poor deceased equine.