Very tired this morning.
We never had a full on family bed - our blankets and pillows and mattress and headboard weren't really safe for that, and Matt is a very sound sleeper. I never felt that it would be safe in our situation. So Charlotte, when she was an infant, slept in a co-sleeper sidecar'd alongside the bed. It worked out very well, until she got big and it wasn't safe anymore, and she and I kept each other up with every little shift and sigh. Charlotte was sleeping in her crib in her room when she was 7 months old. And basically, she never looked back.
Charlotte has always been a tosser and turner, and I'm a light sleeper and Matt's a heavy sleeper. On a few occasions when traveling, we've had Charlotte sleep in bed with one or both of us, and it has never worked out well. It wasn't until this last year or so that Charlotte would even fall asleep in bed with us at all if she woke up in the middle the night and came into our room. She would wake up and I would be half asleep and just let her come into bed to see if she would sleep. Usually at that point she would talk and laugh and play and then I would lead her back into her room. Now and again she'll fall asleep in bed with us, and sometimes Matt will sleep through it but I never do. Just doze.
That's what happened last night. Charlotte came into bed, I have no idea what time, and was very scared from a nightmare she had. Charlotte doesn't usually want to talk about her nightmares (I don't either) but she did want to tell me about this one. Apparently we were on an elevator and got separated. Or I got onto an elevator without her, or I was taken from her and put on an elevator. I could relate - I had a dream last week where we were separated from each other by something foolish I did, and I was a wreck that whole night and the next morning. I still feel sad and guilty when I think about that dream. I was happy to let Charlotte in to snuggle last night.
Charlotte is a very affectionate child. She's a hugger. A smoocher. A quick cuddler. But it's been a long time since she would actually demand full on body contact snuggle. That's one of the many reasons I didn't mind when she crawled into bed with me early this morning. Charlotte held onto my arm and used it as a pillow. She sighed with relief when I put my arms around her. And then, feeling safe, she fell right back to sleep.
I'm exhausted. Matt is too. I had him put Charlotte back in her bed once it was clear that she was fast asleep and we were not. Charlotte staggered out to the couch this morning and said, "I'm still tired." We all are. But I'm also grateful for that prolonged snuggle this morning. I can feel a count down ticking. Five years old seem so big sometimes.